My husband and I have had a great many conversations regarding my possilbe infertility over the past months. One of our mutual decisions was that if I could not conceive that we would indeed take donor eggs to fertilize with his sperm- the fertilized embryos which I would carry within my womb. We aggreed between ourselves that we would want this, if it should come to donor eggs, kept between us and only us. No family members would be told and the child would not be told unless fate interviened and made it necessary for unknown reasons.
As I have several friends now from 'real life' who read my blogs in Mindsay and three family members either signed up or who read my blogs regularly, I must end my journal here.
We are not yet to the point where my infertility is final. I may very well conceive a child and carry it to term. Either way at this point between now and the end of this year, either with my own egg(s) or the egg of some wonderful donor, I will be pregnant.
Once I have carried my pregnancy beyond the first trimester I will let the world know of it. But the conception of our child due to our given circumstances from this point on will remain between Lane and I.
I don't know this day and this moment what my future holds. But to think that the child that will be born early next year or early next spring is to some extent a complete mystery to me-
To think that the child I have seen in my dreams may come from the cells of someone out there right now who I don't know, have never seen and will never know-
To imagine a world where such miracles collide in circumstance between people who never saw such wonderments in their own lives-
It is all a fascinating and in the end, auspicously astounding.
Just another wonderment in my life. Which is why I am writing that book...
Wish us well.
I have only a fraction of any chance to conceive a child and to bring a baby home with my own eggs... It is strange to know this now. Deep conversations with my husband... I am going to begin fertility drugs. We are going to try aggressively to find one of my few good eggs and get that egg fertilized. The chances according to our current clinic are in the single digit percentage.
But that is still a percentage.
Meanwhile we are scheduled at two other clinics within driving distance to find their take on my circumstance, for each clinic handles things differently. And then soon it will be out of state. Two of the best clinics are on the other side of the country.
Now the real journey begins. I feel sort of numb; I am still sick and I am still overmedicated. But somehow I knew this. How do we know? Some people are simply in tune with their bodies. It could be the years of biofeedback, it could be whatever that odd intuition that runs down the maternal side of my family tree. I think of all the white hair coming in on my head; more now than regular colored hair. It blends because it is so light but I see it. It could be my own medical background reminding me of these things I already knew about the female human reproductive lifespan.
We have talked enough to have agreed to an egg donor if I can't do this. But still, the tears are going to come. I look in the mirror and I see what everyone else sees; this girlish looking sprite who can't be a day over 25. Fire in her eyes. Taunt and youthful skin. And yet inside a part of me is near it end of life. Somehow I can't make the connection. But I can write this; I feel such a sadness right now for the child I may not have with my husband. I think of someone recently in my family making a snide remark about how things 'worked out good for me' and that I didn't have any problems. What is that? Things didn't just work out for me. I worked very hard to be where I am and I am where I am at because I worked hard. But I never, ever once fooled myself into thinking money was God. I haven't even got to the part when I look at myself and now truly have a line of definition in my life. When I could and now when I quite possibly can't.
I feel sort of empty. We are going away for Valentine's Day next week as I can't leave the house as yet to travel. And I'd thought that next week would be nice; I'd be in the zone for conception. Now rather I will take the fertility drugs beginning today (I have) and next week I will be inseminated. Knowing just how slim the odds are that my husband's sperm will fertilize one of my few eggs and that the embryo will ever go beyond a few weeks makes my heart scream. Because I could become pregnant. But the odds of that pregnancy progressing are smaller still. I think that there could be one good egg left inside me. One. I don't buy evolution. I don't buy what science can make into some kind of popular theory. I believe that only God can offer what a heart desires. I won't pray. He/she already knows my heart.
I would have rather found it was early menopause. Then I would have something tangible to blame. Right now I do want something to blame, but there is nothing. I am simply now a statistic. A woman at 39 trying to do the thing that is making an entire industry wealthy beyond imagining.
I just want my husband's child...
The thought that I can use another woman's egg is a relief but it is a foreign thought. It is something that I can imagine. But I wanted to see the face of our child. And right now I don't think that is going to happen.
I will hope anyway.
Sometimes that is all one can do.
I will have the results of my bloodwork later today. If my estrogen level has remained where it needs to, I will begin taking the Clomid tomorrow for five days. After five days I will return to WIFEM for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The bloodwork will determine my ovarian reserve...
If you're reading this post and are interested in more details of the Clomid Challenge, there is a link below in an older post regarding this...
I will update this post later when my bloods come back.
My estrogen levels are down below 20, after taking the birth control pill for 15 days. Once I have my next 'bleed', my levels will be checked again so that we can begin the ever evading Clomid Challenge!
I am very happy the levels went down. It they hadn't gone down that would have been one very strong indication of early menopause...
I will be out of town on and off until March, but I will update when I can after popping into Philadelphia for weekends with my daughter and tests and procedures at WIFEM.
Finally, it feels as if we are on our way. Where that way will lead us continues to be a mystery, but we are finally ruling out many roadblocks and that is such a downright GOOD feeling!
At least that is something...
Had an MRI today; non-related to this blog's theme/purpose and yet of note. I have had a headache for a year- a strange enough headache that I finally went in to have it checked out...I go into WIFEM on Monday for bloodwork continuing with this cycle. My husband and I had a talk after leaving WIFEM last week. He is not happy with the attitude Dr. G projects. He doesn't like the fact that when I/we/he phones in that we are put on hold for 5-10 minutes, depending on when we decide to hang up and call back in. Or that they are slow to provide us with information after their having assured us we would be contacted promptly.
We spoke with Dr. G last week after my ultrasound and bloods and my husband said that my assessment that she is sort of (short? clippy? rough?) is not any sort of at all. She didn't smile or offer support or offer anything but this pinched little face. I thought it was just me, but he isn't happy with her presentation/bedside manner either. It is funny as when we initially went in all dressed up and such she was much more warm.
After this portion of this current series of testing is complete we are seriously thinking of finding a new clinic. Lane actually made an appointment for me at UPenn but I cancelled it pending the outcome of this month's testing. I think I will phone them back next week if something doesn't give.
In any case I miss my sweetie. He's in Florida this weekend for the Superbowl; spent a pretty cent on his ticket and was sweet enough to offer me to go along. Not that I'd ever want to interfere with his ManFun...
In all honesty I'd rather be here. Or in the Caribbean. But as I had testing to attend to I stayed home. We are going to Vegas and on another Cruise next month, so I have that to look forward to...God I am so tired of this.
Afterward on to my next cycle which was a very short 21 days. My bloodwork for Clomid was again, off the scale. My Estrogen level was up near 400 this time. Though I had a rather heavy flow I was called right back in immediately for an ultrasound to insure I was not indeed pregnant.
No pregnancy. No Clomid Challenge this cycle.
I was put on birth control pills for ten days to stabilize/even out my hormones. I am due to return to WIFEM on February 2nd for more bloodwork. If my hormones have stabilized upon this bloodwork and into my next bleed- on with the Clomid Challenge, finally. If my hormones remain out of kilter, on to other avenues of which I shall report.
To say I am frustrated and disappointed with this entire process would be another gross understatement. But contrarily I am also very positive. It is a mush of mixed emotions, confusion, discomfort and irritation. I am so very tired of the bloodwork, internal ultrasounds, estrogen levels off the charts and uneven cycles of menstration that I feel like I just stepped on a carousel that was spun at high speed!
My husband and daughter keep me in calm spirits. Much hugging. Much rallying of friends and now, family. Doctors assuring me that this type of situation is not uncommon for women seeking answers to their fertility issues; it is what leads us to clinics such as WIFEM in the first place.
I have met 3 women at the gym I just joined each over 40 and in similiar situations; married later in reproductive life and not able to have children. One woman adopted a baby from Russia who will arrive in the spring at the age of nearly 9 months. Another woman and her husband adopted two girls from China. The third and her spouse adopted a baby girl from China about 3 years ago. The very day they brought the girl home, Marissa found out she was pregnant with twins.
It seems everywhere I go I find how our situation is so much more common than I ever realized.All I want at this point is to find if I have any viable eggs and if so what it will take to get the little buggers fertilized and implanted in my uterus. Clomid is the key to this and until my hormones level out we cannot proceed with the Clomid Challenge!
Life here is sane; I have become an even further introspective and patient soul. Two very useful attributes that will add to the joy of raising a baby!
Thank you who visit this page. As the process progresses more additions will be set here as entries...
**I will also update on my low Protein C and S when that bloodwork has returned from the hemotologist...**
What is a Hysterosalpingogram?(HSG):
The HSG is a basic fertility test to determine if there is any blockages in your fallopian tubes. It can also be used to determine if there are any adhesions, fibroids or other complications or abnormalities in your uterus.
How is it done:
This procedure is done in the radiology office at your local hospital or surgery center. A contrast dye is injected into the uterus, through the cervix, while x-rays are taken of the area.
You will lay on your back on the x-ray table, while the doctor inserts a speculum into your uterus. S/he then feeds a small catheter through your cervix to deliver the contrast dye. The x-rays are then taken. You may be asked to assume different positions depending on your anatomy as some positions will help your practitioner see your anatomy.
The whole procedure takes just a few minutes.
Afterwards:
There is a slightly increased pregnancy rate after an HSG. This is theorized to be from the flushing effects of the procedure removing any residue in the uterus or Fallopian tubes.
You may experience some cramping after the procedure, but most women will do fine taking ibuprofen for pain. Talk to your practitioner if you are concerned about post-procedural pain.
Results:
The results are potentially available within a few minutes. If you wish, you can have your practitioner there to read the results nearly immediately. However, many practices don't read HSGs immediately. Ask your doctor what s/he does in their practice.
Depending on the results of the exam, further infertility tests may be ordered or you may have diagnosis and begin treatment immediately.
Risks:
There is a risk of infection after the procedure. Some practitioners will prescribe antibiotics afterwards to help prevent this complication. There is also a small risk of allergic reaction to the contrast dye and the risk of perforation of the uterus.
HSG
I have been feeling a bit off the past few days. I am not looking forward to even a short invasive procedure; this combined with what I've added below add to my sort of 'down' feeling. I suppose my mood was bound to fall a little...
The results of a bit of my blood work returned to show I have very low levels of 'C' and 'S' protein in my blood.
Thrombophilia, Recurrent Pregnancy Losses and Reproductive Disorders
Placental thrombosis and infarction can cause recurrent miscarriage and disorders of pregnancy. Although there are numerous risk factors for venous thromboembolic disease, the term thrombophilia refers only to those familial or acquired disorders of the hemostatic system that result in an increased risk of thrombosis. The inherited thrombophilias include:
antithrombin III deficiency,
resistance to activated protein C (factor V Leiden),
protein C and protein S deficiencies,
prothrombin gene mutation,
the MTHFR gene mutation, as well as some rare forms of dysfibrinogenaemia
In contrast, when using the above definition, the antiphospholipid syndrome is the only genuine acquired thrombophilic state and this acquired syndrome is far more common in women with recurrent pregnancy losses and implantation failures than the inherited thrombophilias.
Low C and S Protein
I have an appointment set up with a hematologist to have blood studies performed to find exactly where I stand with my low protein levels. The never ending sting of appointments (I have 6 next week) seems to be the core of my life lately...
I remember in basic training for the Air Force way back in '85 we had to run through an obstacle course as part of our testing to move on to our formal training. One particular portion of the obstacle course was extremely difficult for me. An inverted rope was strung tightly over a pond of water. Each Airman Basic was required to move down the rope head first, hand over hand and black combat boot over black combat boot...
For me completing this obstacle soaked to the skin with about 15 pounds of clothing/boots equipment on my person was very, very difficult. I got through it by whispering in my mind; only a few more feet, only a few more feet. Keep in mind that up to the day of running the obstacle course we young 'Pingers' had been pumped with horror stories from those Airmen Basic who'd already run the course... How difficult it would be to go through the course in the rain- how hard it was to run it wet if your T.I. dunked you first (ours did)-...
So here I sit, typing this morning. I am nervous and I keep telling myself only a few more procedures and we'll know something...
I truly am a very positive person as I move through life. At times I can pull optimism close like a favorite stuffed bun bun. And yet I am human. I am not sure what they will find this afternoon. As diabetes runs rampant down the branch of my maternal family tree I am not surprised to find I have low proteins associated with some of the genetic markers for clotting/diabetes. Yet it is hard for me even after 6 months to find that my miscarriages may be due to this particular thing. My OB Gyn did not inform me of this deficiency when my fetal tissue/blood work returned from the lab after it was tested; another thing I fail to understand about the way the mind of an OB Gyn works... I should have been told of these results.
In any case I am where I am, we are moving ahead and Dr. G insures me that we will jump each hurdle as it presents itself.
I've noticed that I've misspelled several words in my entries; it seems their are two spellings for virtually every term or med associated with my life right now! In the future should it be relevant 'Clomed' will become 'Clomid'.
Today at 2:30 PM.
I wonder what we will find...
Our attempt in becoming pregnant failed again this month. Once again I was late, once again my estrogen levels shot up to 'pregnancy' readings (215 this month) and once again no embryo... And again I presented with nausea.
I can't really say I was surprised; at this point the only thing that could/would surprise me will be the day I lay on an exam table- sonogram device pressed against the gel between it and my tummy- viewing the heartbeat of my little embryo/fetus... For me this entire journey has become just that- a journey.
Like Roland in 'The Dark Tower' series I move ahead with only a vague sort of trust in what my future may or may not hold yet knowing beyond any doubt that the end of this journey is up ahead watching for my shadow to appear on the horizon.
Considering that I ceased birth control in July of 2003 it is no small thing that I haven't given up hope. I remain positive which is an integral part of who I am. For me this situation has already been outlined in my dreams; I dreamt of my daughter Lizzy years before I met her father and then one day she literally popped into my life. I have dreamt of a young girl with dark curls who I know is my daughter; I have no that this child of my dreams is also my own daughter and that she will appear in my life just as sure as sunshine sits pretty up in the sky!
Once my monthly visit with the Crimson Wave began I phoned WIFEM. No answer as this occurred on a Saturday.
So, just as our doctor instructed on our first visit I went into WIFEM on day three of my menstrual cycle, which was this past Monday. I had blood drawn to begin the 'Clomed Challenge'. My hormonal levels would be tested. On Wednesday (today) I would begin taking two pills a day for five days of the fertility drug Clomed.
But wait- no, not yet. My estrogen level was found to be extremely high- at 'pregnancy levels' (215). Once my blood work results were found Monica phoned from WIFEM and asked me this with what I must mention was a touch of excitement in her voice:
"Elizabeth, is there a possibility that you could be pregnant?... You estrogen levels are very, very high...?"
I let Monica know that this month was much like the previous three months- that my flow had been late and that when it arrived it was extremely heavy. I was thinking to myself as Monica pressed me for the chances of my being pregnant (again, if you are not a fan of graphic writing you may want to exit here) that with the amount of flow I'd had since my cycle began on Saturday that there was absolutely no way I could be pregnant. The high estrogen levels might explain my nausea yet my breasts were not tender...
Monica told me that she needed to review my blood work with Dr. G and until I heard from her I should not pick up my prescription for Clomed. It was originally planned that should I not become pregnant in December that my fertility treatments would begin with Clomed pills in January (this month). Monica let me know she'd phone me either later Monday or early Tuesday.
Yesterday when Monica phoned she told me they had performed a pregnancy test on my blood and indeed I was not pregnant (possibly losing one embryo but holding another inside, thus explaining my hormone levels) but that I would not begin Clomed this month. I would not take the 2 pills per day for 5 days...
Rather I would continue as planned. with my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) scheduled for this Friday. This procedure/testing involves injecting dye through my cervix into my uterus and fallopian tubes. This test will find if there are any cysts, polyps or other issues which could be hindering my ability to become pregnant.
In addition we will continue next week with returning to WIFEM next Wednesday (the very day/night we would be in Vegas enjoying a round of Cirque de Soliel shows, gambling and dancing girls) for this cycles post-coital testing and internal sonogram- both of which will show the condition of my husbands sperm within my vagina and if my fallopian tubes present a follicle or follicles indicating ovulation... My blood will be drawn again to test my estrogen levels as well as other hormonal levels. Most likely we will proceed with insemination this month.
I cannot express in words here or anywhere just how good it feels to have all these many distractions. I learn so many things each and every time I enter WIFEM that at times I feel I know so little about my own body, its possibilities and its wonderment. I meet a new woman each time I sit in the waiting room; often only our two voices provide background noise to the otherwise solemn atmosphere. So many women wishing, hoping and waiting for their children...
I seem to spend less time than ever actually working in the traditional sense; I 'flip' a property or two each month after auction (Phila. Sheriff’s Sale) and leave it at that. I have put academics aside, writing aside and most my other endeavors involved with making money aside. I crochet, I play with clay, I paint, I work on my dollhouse, I write letters to friends and family, I work on my Gallery and networking with artists (all proceeds from my Gallery will be put back into the Arts community so I won't make money from this venture- I am not a wicked Republican), I work on plans for my garden's expansion next spring, I travel when I can and I just try to appreciated my place in life right now.
It could be said I've become consumed with becoming pregnant, yet we have been trying for so long- living through two miscarriages and what looks to be my body's non-challenge where our dreams are concerned- that I feel as if since I have the opportunity to slow down a bit that I will. There has been some stress in my life over the past 19 months and I am doing all I can to alleviate anything that could be causing tension I may not actually feel.
My husband and I were disappointed this month as is expected. But he tells me with words what I myself feel inside; that our time will come and when it does we will appreciate this child more so than we might have otherwise. He has become so much more present since this all began. I know that we each have a path in life and I believe that if we walk it- up the hills, over the ruts, through the dark forests and around the obstacle- if we stay true to our own lives that all will fold in and be well no matter what we have to do to make our way...
Like everything good and meaningful thing in life, patience is important as you wait for your most precious moments to arrive...
Hope all are well!
I have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) scheduled for this Friday. We've cancelled our trip to Vegas next week as I have appointments to experience another sonogram, post-coital test, bloodwork to measure my estrogen level (it is 215 at this time) and to possibly perform insemination.
I really hate to post like this; hurried and without detailed explanation. I will however find some time in the next day or so to post a proper update.
For my few friends please know I am okay; we are ever positive and confident that very soon we will have a viable and healthy pregnancy. I feel no deepset sadness as we have been dealing with this for nearly a year and a half- including the last 6 months of miscarrying and close calls such as this one. Disappointed we are, yes. But we are edging closer to our hope and dream...
Like everything good and meaningful thing in life, patience is important as you wait for your most precious moments to arrive...
Hope all are well!
As the following entries will be open to all for your reading pleasure I will respectfully inform you friendly reader, in advance, that many entries to follow will contain graphic vocabulary. I will use the proper terminology for body parts and fluids. In America using the proper terminology can be construed as offensive. So should you find yourself put off by words such as vagina, sperm, ovaries, intercourse and even uterus- this journal is not for you!
December 15th arrives...
On the morning of my second appointment I am like a little girl holding a wrapped gift. A little girl who knows what is beneath the wrapping that surrounds her gift yet her knowing in no way inhibits her joy. As John sang, my body is a wonderland... Again I find myself walking through my days with a sensation of momentum; we are ever moving forward in our quest to bring a child into the world. My husband is having himself another kick watching the expression upon my face move from secretive glee to anticipation and then back again. I love WIFEM. We have only begun here and I love the clinic already. There is so much to learn about myself here- my internal self- that I feel odd knowing how many women walk the earth knowing little next to nothing about their own inner workings. I myself had an intermediate understanding of reproduction and yet I really didn't really know. Little things such as the fact that the slightest of hormonal levels can effect fertility at any age. Or that there are just as many women in the 25-35 age group with fertility issues as are in my age group. I didn't realize all of the distractions that sperm may encounter before ever finding their way into the uterus; that all sorts of complications often exist in the vagina itself.
In any case today will be yet another day of illumination for my husband and I. Learning for me is much like taking in sunshine; without learning my bones become brittle and my mind suffers. To be in a position to learn things about myself- my inside self- that I might otherwise not know is just one more gift in this process.
Today while at the WIFEM I will undergo an internal ultrasound (the procedure involves a plastic probe that will be placed just inside my vagina) to have a peek at my ovaries to find if a follicle has presented itself. If I am preparing to ovulate a follicle or follicles will show as such on the monitor once the probe is in place.
I will also have a post-coital test to have a look at the state of the sperm in my vagina.
Blood work will test my Progesterone levels, which flux during ovulation.
During my ultrasound we find I my body is indeed undergoing preparation to ovulate. I have a healthy group of follicles! This is a good thing. I seriously want to kiss the Tech as he lets me know in advance what he sees; Techs aren't really supposed to tell over-anxious women what they do or do not see on the monitor when having a peek at their follicles... I leave the examination room feeling whole and well.
Though my follicle(s) is(are) waxing proud, my post-coital reveals that the mucous in my vagina is extremely thick; this may 'trap' or hinder my husband's sperm from entering my uterus and thus enabling the sperm an easy path to my fallopian tube where my egg will await fertilization. Dr. G. hands me a plastic cup; should I not become pregnant this cycle then next month (January) during Clomed treatment my husband will provide a sample and his sperm will be used to inseminate me. The insemination will ensure that his sperm are where they need to be during my ovulation and not stuck in the muck of mucous in my vagina.
At this time I don't permit my mind to ponder my possible future insemination. I keep my thoughts close; thinking that one reason we may not yet have our baby could be due to vaginal conditions sort of pulls me into a stunned sort of silence.
Once my blood is drawn I am then sent upon my way with instructions to call LabLine for the results of my Progeterone testing.
While my blood is drawn by Brigette, a rather sweet woman with a ready smile and willingness to chat, I think about blood loss. Today yet another five large vials of blood will be drawn bringing the total to nearly 20. I ask Brigette about all the test results we've yet to hear of. We are told that unless there is some complication found or something of note that we most likely won't hear of many of the results. My husband asks about the insemination procedure. Honestly, I find myself sitting in the vinyl chair with a rubber band squeezing my upper right arm and a blush rising to my cheeks. I rarely blush unless I am in a situation I feel I must/should/might feign shyness and this is something that is a part of the life of a younger me. Blushing as I realize that conception may include me laying on an exam table, legs up in stirrups, husband beside holding my hand as the doctor... Well, you get the picture.
Blood drawn we now head out to provide the $30 co-pay.
My husband is as I; giddy that we are experiencing this journey together. He continually squeezes my hand and kisses my face throughout the day, telling me that he finds himself amazed with the body of a woman. In the car as we drive back to our home, I scribble frantically on the back of a MLS sheet. I jot down what he says at one point asking him to repeat his words. He laughs with me as I move through the motions of note-taking for my journals, articles and diary.
I take his eyes into my own as we share yet another moment of knowing.
We are nearer with each our visits to conceiving our child...
-- While the doctor 'looks' to find my Progesterone levels at or above 10, my level is a wicked 18.8!
The second thing I've figured out is that if the women want it, the scientists will come. The scientists will bring along their beakers, phlebotomy equipment, sampling vials, chronometers, calibration sensors, exam tables, cotton swabs and latex gloves.
They will bring along their collective desire for the advancement of fertility as well as their own personal motivation to expand their bank accounts.
If the women of the 35-45 age bracket want their own children, the medical community for reasons boosted by both occupational gratification and selfish avarice, will come.
I feel at this point that our chances of buying airfare to China are slim.
I've figured out that I can A) wait to become pregnant again with trepidation or B) proceed with testing to have an internal look-see. You've guessed it; I chose B).
We park our Jeep Cherokee (purchased to safely tote our little one in the future) with rare parking-karma at our sleeve just outside the clinic. Hand-in-hand we enter a waiting/reception room like any other. Contemporary, well lit and predictable. I glance at the magazines scattered atop glass and Formica with approval. I turn my mind away from all the reasons couples visit this clinic. We are here at this particular time for mere preliminary information. We don't know enough yet to suppose, surmise or assume or make presumptions.
First we are given 5 pages of inquiries to answer, fill in and check off. I instantly note the list of lengthy YES/NO boxes in the section referring to medical history. My husband leans to me recalling his having already filled out identical paperwork when he visited WIFEM to have his sperm count analyzed. I coax him into returning to the reception desk to inquire upon whether the clinic may still have that paperwork thus relieving the need for his meandering through it once again. He rejoins me with a slow smile. Kisses me. This particular kiss isn't really a kiss at all; it is the very manner in which he lets me know in any situation that the answer is no.
I soon find myself engrossed in the YES/NO box medical history portion of the 5 page in-processing formology. YES I have headaches. YES are these headaches sinus related. YES have you had an abnormal pap smear. YES premature menopause run in your family. YES alcoholism run in your family.
Further along in the YES/NO box medical history YES fetal tissue tested for abnormal histology. YES fetal tissue tested for genetic issues. YES were these tests negative. NO are you taking medication. NO smoker. NO allergies. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
At some point during the formology, my husband turns to me and asks if I am nervous. I let him know once again that I am not nervous but only curious.
A time later a copy of my Driver's License and Insurance Card are taken and placed into my file. A $30 co-pay is submitted. Then we are led into a consultation room where soonthereafter we will be seen by Dr. Guttman.
Dr. G is completely disarming. She opens with banter about our Eagles, who are going to play in the Super Bowl this year. After a bit of mutual admiration all around for the Birds, it begins.
Dr. G doesn't think I look at all 39. My husband squeezes my hand...
How long have we been trying?
Have we been pregnant?
Was the fetal tissue from our miscarriage tested for genetic abnormalities?
Do either of us have Jewish blood?
Am I currently under any type of fertility treatment (drugs)?
Have I ever taken Clomed?
Have I been immunized for Chicken Pox?
Have I had Chicken Pox?
Is their a history of miscarriage in my family?
And on and on...
Indications:
I will be tested through blood work to screen out any number of issues associated with things that can hinder a woman's (any woman's) probability of a viable conception. As both my husband and I have even minute Jewish ethnicity we are advised as to issues regarding such background, blood-wise.
The first round of testing is two-fold in direction- lab work/examination/procedures that will continue into mid-month is for purposes of 'ruling out' as well as preparation for beginning fertility drugs (Clomed). If anything challenging is found it will be dealt with at such time.
This day:
I have my blood drawn into a dozen glass vials to be used in testing for more issues than I can remember... Thyroid issues, genetic compatibility issues, hormonal issues etc. ...
My husband's blood is also drawn though in far less quantities. He will also be tested for genetic and genetic compatibility issues. I am given an internal exam which reveals that my uterus is postioned properly.
We are given instructions to have intercourse on December 12th. I will return to WIFEM on December 15th for a post coital test to verify that the mucous in my vagina is not destroying my husbands sperm before it has the opportunity to enter my womb. On the 15th I will also undergo an ultrasound to determine if my fallopian tube(s) are opening/presenting follicles which indicate preparation for ovulation as well as to find if my uterus is lined properly to receive a fertilized egg.
On the 15th my blood will be drawn once again to prepare for my 'Clomed Challenge'.
Next month if I have not conceived I will begin Clomed therapy on the third day of my new cycle.
After our appointment ends, I find myself feeling proactive in my current situation. My husband talks quite a bit on our return trip to our home. He is very happy with my decision to research our situation and to make today's appointment. He and I have a really great conversation as we go over the various procedures I will/may have to endure. He feels as if I am brave. I let him know I am determined. He is proud of me. I tell him that there is nothing I would not do to have his child. He then pulls into the bike lane on 4th Street, sets the hazard lights and lays one hell of a passionate kiss on me.
I feel like a Queen, which is sincerely appropriate as I have married a King...
As the results from my blood testing return from the lab I find my hormone levels are 78/10- both very good levels.
But should you find yourself interested know that I will post when I have a few moments to do so.
The First Appointment December 6th, 2:15 P.M.
– Anticipation of Information (part one)
On this day my husband and I are feeling well. We discuss our individual overall ‘feelings’ about the appointment in the morning after we come awake. I am delightfully surprised that like myself he is excited about the appointment. We are frustrated and impatient as of late and simply the thought of the act of ‘doing something’ brings comfort- chases away the sensation of hands tied…
We enter this new segment of our journey along the path to becoming parents more so to troubleshoot than to resolve roadblocks. In fact, if roadblocks exist we are blissfully unaware at this point. As we near 815 Locust Street my husband tells me that he is previously acquainted with the address; this is the place he came to in the early spring when he had his sperm count tested. At that time, the time of his sperm count, we’d been trying for a pregnancy for nearly a year. Our Ob/Gyn had sent my husband to the WIREM for the test.
About two months after his sperm count revealed that he had what it took to proceed with the deed, I became pregnant… Our first sonogram appointment was one of poignant anticipation; to see the life we had created together growing inside my womb was a moment I shall never release as most precious to me. My husband bent over a dozen times, kissing my forehead whispering as if he sat in orchestra seats at the opera:
…I can’t believe I’m looking at our baby… I can’t believe that is our little baby growing there…
Our first sonogram revealed a normally developing embryo; proper size and no visual evidence of any abnormalities. We left the appointment in spirits that only those who’ve experienced such an event can relate to.
On the day of our second sonogram I felt inwardly calm. I had this feeling. I can speak of this feeling easily in retrospect as it is safe now. But that morning as my husband, my daughter and I went into the sonogram room and I crawled up onto the bed and lay down the feeling grew.
There are some women who are sensitive. To life, to people, to situations and to the mere hint of a dust mote stirring. I am one of those women. It is odd to type out this entry- to write about something that once shook me so badly that fear crept in- something that is now a part of my past… And yet as the three of us pushed our eyes to the green and black monitor I was not surprised that our baby had no heartbeat. My daughter’s face went completely white- something I will never forget. Even before the sadness and grief set in I kicked myself for bringing her along. Soon the tears came from each of us… A period of deep grieving for my husband and I followed. Perhaps if we’d not been trying for so many months the situation would have held a little less weight. Perhaps not.
After my D & E procedure I was told that my body would adjust back into a regular cycle within 6-8 weeks. I began once again enjoying for a time a glass of wine with dinner. I ate tons of Feta and Brie. I chowed down a few bottom dwellers. I took the time to organize all the tiny bits of baby clothing I’d purchased over a period of months. I put together piles of 0-3 month clothing, 3-6 month clothing and 6-9 month clothing. Another pile of accessories…
While folding a tiny Misfits onesie I’d bought in a Hot Topic store, I cried. As I ‘put back’ my pregnancy journal, I cried. At times in the shower as my nausea faded, I cried. I cried for all of the reasons a woman cries after she’s miscarried. Plus I cried a bit more for my husband.
Eventually the tears necessary to earn back my emotional clarity were spent; price paid in full. My cycles became regular again…
And then in October I was late!
Tested positive again!
Yet we had only a few days to feel the joy of becoming pregnant again; I was late, no longer pregnant. Pregnant for a few days like many women become- yet if they aren’t trying to become pregnant they never think they might have been- if only for a tiny while…
After five days of keeping a new pregnancy journal by a different publisher once again bought at a Barnes and Noble I again ‘put back’ the book. When I do become pregnant again I will not buy another pregnancy journal. I will use these two, adding the new entries beside the old. These two books will become more than mere journals; they will map out the history of our quest…
At this point after having been actively and aggressively going for a pregnancy for a year and a half, my husband and I returned to my OB/GYN for direction and advice. In addition to speaking with my doctor I also obtained two ‘second opinions’. I have been assured that having become pregnant twice in the space of six months, I would become pregnant once again and not one medical expert predicted anything less than my carrying a pregnancy to term. The general consensus was one which held the line that if I had not become pregnant again by my January cycle that I’d begin fertility therapy, starting off with Clomed.
I returned home to perform my own research online. I ‘spoke’ with various other women sharing identical situations; women near 40 trying to have children. I read dozens of medical papers written on the subject and went over hundreds of case studies. I phoned and consulted with three fertility clinics.
What I have learned has led me to the Women’s Institute for Fertility, Endocrinology and Menopause here in my city. We do not wish to wait any longer to find what is going on inside of my body whether is it average or abnormal. In our case we’d simply like to have answers.
Though fertility doesn’t seem to be an issue for me at this point there certainly are a myriad of issues that can hinder the process of bringing a child into this world. Women in my age group may face a bundle of issues that though are easily adjustable can indeed ‘hold things up’.
The next post will begin my journey into the world of the fertility clinic.
(See my Main blog 'Elizabethsrealm' for details on the X-ray situation...)
In any case we will have an appointment at the Women's Institute for Fertility here in my city within a week. My tests have shown I have good viable eggs yet as I am over 35 the amount of eggs is such that I don't ovulate every month. We can wait for this to happen naturally or we can use treatment to prompt eggs and insure a pregnancy before my 40th birthday...
I will keep this journal updated!
'Get the camera sweetie, let's take a beginning photo...'
Photo by my husband, Edward Lane, November 2004
On the 6th of November, after enjoying a handful of days of thinking that we were in the zone... I did become pregnant but only to the day of my blood test. That very day my little crimson visitor arrived.
So again we are happily enjoying the process of utilizing the basal body temperature thermometer, loving one another and being quite randy!
I will continue to log bits of my thoughts as this process continues. For now, the belly is flat and my heart awaits, with all of those many thoughts recorded below...
In the sticks I feel larger somehow.
Here you will not grow. Here where I grew, the ridges and roads and green grasses won't ever really know you- nor you them.
In the sticks, I feel broader somehow. My mind stretches outward like a rubberband. It snaps back to sting me with all I have become since walking away from this place. So far have I gone, so much have I accomplished, so much more of myself am I.
I can see another me here nearly two decades in my own past with another child. That other me wanted that other child to know these hills and roads and people. I do not wish that on you or for you. You will grow in another place. You will return here with me, to the sticks, only to visit one Aunt and Uncle. The other players here- people your blood related to will not know you nor you them beyond photographs and gossip.
You will be a child of the world yet never know the simplicity of the lives people etch for themselves here.
This is my greatest personal accomplishment beyond my children; having moved so far from this place intellectually, physical and spiritually. My dearest embryo- you will never need to grasp your lottery ticket in the hope and belief that if certain numbers should line up- all problems will fade.
I think of you growing inside me and I wander myself lost into our future...
Next July you will enter this world. You will enter a world of softness and kisses. You will enter a world of priviledge and variation. You will travel near and far in ways and by means your mother never knew in her own childhood. A good man will be in highest office as you pull in your first breath, taste your first milk, move onto your tiny knees to crawl...
Next July, God willing, I will gaze into your eyes and you will reach out for me- your own eyes yet unable to see your mother.
I will wait patiently. I will keep my greatest and newest joy close to my heart. Of all the wonderful things I have seen and experienced in my life- of all the wonderful places I've had the advantage of knowing and learning- of all my deepest desires- you will be of an exclusive pair of two- my two most cherished ones- my children.
You will widen my outlook, re-awaken dormant places in my heart, strengthen my visibilily, render my losses and disappointments void of hold in my memory, justify my own suppositions and desires, add grace to my conjecture, put pulse into me where none exists.
Your life will add an additional dimension to that of your father, please his heart, feed his line, soften the places in a man that are only softened by the love of his child.
Each day that I find no blood, I feel larger than myself. I feel a joy so razor sharp that I hold my breath in anticipation. There aren't enough words and there aren't enough moments to put to place exactly how much wonder I feel that I have done this again, so quickly. The months that seperate that which was not meant to be with what we have created are few.
Chances are that you are now on your way.
Son or daughter of mine.
Your mother is already formally smitten...
The first day is the day we wake to the pregnancy testing kit. Inside I am certain yet I will act out the next few moments as if I am delightfully surprised. He knows that I know; another joyful actor in the game of love and breeding...
I am thinking of the past few days...
I have the scent of a bloodhound. I can detect the smell of rum and thyme from 30 miles out. My breasts haven't become sore as of this morning; there isn't yet any nausea or vomiting. Yet, I simply know. I am never late. And we were able to detect ovulation the day of...
I make my way into the bath adjoining our 4th floor area; the room that finds the family bed. It is barely 6 AM, yet I've waited patiently since around 3 to wake and perform the pregnancy test. We decided the night before that it was time... This kit has been patient; sitting atop the wall mirror since its purchase a few months prior.
Removing the plastic from the box becomes a task.
I grab at my little black comb sitting along the edges of the porcelain sink. I push the tines of the comb into the plastic. After puncturing the plastic I find the plastic continues to resist removal. Finally the plastic is placed into the small rattan trash container under the sink. The plastic has static electricity and wants my finger more than it wants to sit with the discarded tissues and hairs in the trashcan.
Then to the newer task of opening the box... It is like opening a tin can with a toothpick! I am nearly peeing myself, having waited for over 3 hours to have the opportunity at a really potent morning sample, standing in the dark bathroom with this box!
Out fall the contents. This particular kit has many parts. It takes another full few minutes to assemble the parts and take the proverbial pee. This kit will flash 'Not Pregnant' or 'Pregnant' when the sample has been processed.
I pee over the little tab. Snap the lid back on. Carry this stick over to the bed in the horizontal, as instructed.
In the dark my husband stirs.
He comes up to the sitting position so quickly- hoping and excited just as I find myself spying the results. I can see that there is only one word. I hand the stick to him anyway with a few words:
'I can't see it honey, open the blind'...
He stands up and goes to the window, one of a pair on either side of the bed. Pretty windows... He takes the string in hand, pulling with his right hand and shoving the stick into the murky first light of the morning that barely makes its way beyond the window sash.
Turning to me he says with nothing but love and happiness in his voice:
'It says pregnant!'
I think to myself I know honey... I already know...
He snuggles in with me. He then makes love to me and I return his gesture, with love.
This time, we will be parents...
Later I note that one of the tines in my little black comb has failed and been broken. I pull it off like a young girl doing little love-me-nots on a daisy thinking that now and forever this comb will be my baby comb.
To you, tiny little one to be, I will write a journal. In the world you will enter you will find love. You will find also that communication is now a shared thing- nearly living and breathing as a sort of living form itself. In this world we stumble and we fall yet there are hands to lift us up again. Many times they are the hands of a stranger- the vitual good Samaritans all about like scree strewn upon the path of life.
To you, tiny little one to be, I will keep the faith. Life hands out her favours with little or no premeditation; only those with the eyes to see the gifts will see them. Only those with hands firm enough to hold the gifts will grasp them just enough that they can breath. To you I will pass this legacy.
