withchild
'The waiting is the hardest part...' -- Tom Petty (all replies screened)
The First Appointment – Anticipation of Information (part one)
As the following entries will be open to all for your reading pleasure I will respectfully inform you friendly reader, in advance, that many entries to follow will contain graphic vocabulary. I will use the proper terminology for body parts and fluids. In America using the proper terminology can be construed as offensive. So should you find yourself put off by words such as vagina, sperm, ovaries, intercourse and even uterus- this journal is not for you!
The First Appointment December 6th, 2:15 P.M.
– Anticipation of Information (part one)
On this day my husband and I are feeling well. We discuss our individual overall ‘feelings’ about the appointment in the morning after we come awake. I am delightfully surprised that like myself he is excited about the appointment. We are frustrated and impatient as of late and simply the thought of the act of ‘doing something’ brings comfort- chases away the sensation of hands tied…
We enter this new segment of our journey along the path to becoming parents more so to troubleshoot than to resolve roadblocks. In fact, if roadblocks exist we are blissfully unaware at this point. As we near 815 Locust Street my husband tells me that he is previously acquainted with the address; this is the place he came to in the early spring when he had his sperm count tested. At that time, the time of his sperm count, we’d been trying for a pregnancy for nearly a year. Our Ob/Gyn had sent my husband to the WIREM for the test.
About two months after his sperm count revealed that he had what it took to proceed with the deed, I became pregnant… Our first sonogram appointment was one of poignant anticipation; to see the life we had created together growing inside my womb was a moment I shall never release as most precious to me. My husband bent over a dozen times, kissing my forehead whispering as if he sat in orchestra seats at the opera:
…I can’t believe I’m looking at our baby… I can’t believe that is our little baby growing there…
Our first sonogram revealed a normally developing embryo; proper size and no visual evidence of any abnormalities. We left the appointment in spirits that only those who’ve experienced such an event can relate to.
On the day of our second sonogram I felt inwardly calm. I had this feeling. I can speak of this feeling easily in retrospect as it is safe now. But that morning as my husband, my daughter and I went into the sonogram room and I crawled up onto the bed and lay down the feeling grew.
There are some women who are sensitive. To life, to people, to situations and to the mere hint of a dust mote stirring. I am one of those women. It is odd to type out this entry- to write about something that once shook me so badly that fear crept in- something that is now a part of my past… And yet as the three of us pushed our eyes to the green and black monitor I was not surprised that our baby had no heartbeat. My daughter’s face went completely white- something I will never forget. Even before the sadness and grief set in I kicked myself for bringing her along. Soon the tears came from each of us… A period of deep grieving for my husband and I followed. Perhaps if we’d not been trying for so many months the situation would have held a little less weight. Perhaps not.
After my D & E procedure I was told that my body would adjust back into a regular cycle within 6-8 weeks. I began once again enjoying for a time a glass of wine with dinner. I ate tons of Feta and Brie. I chowed down a few bottom dwellers. I took the time to organize all the tiny bits of baby clothing I’d purchased over a period of months. I put together piles of 0-3 month clothing, 3-6 month clothing and 6-9 month clothing. Another pile of accessories…
While folding a tiny Misfits onesie I’d bought in a Hot Topic store, I cried. As I ‘put back’ my pregnancy journal, I cried. At times in the shower as my nausea faded, I cried. I cried for all of the reasons a woman cries after she’s miscarried. Plus I cried a bit more for my husband.
Eventually the tears necessary to earn back my emotional clarity were spent; price paid in full. My cycles became regular again…
And then in October I was late!
Tested positive again!
Yet we had only a few days to feel the joy of becoming pregnant again; I was late, no longer pregnant. Pregnant for a few days like many women become- yet if they aren’t trying to become pregnant they never think they might have been- if only for a tiny while…
After five days of keeping a new pregnancy journal by a different publisher once again bought at a Barnes and Noble I again ‘put back’ the book. When I do become pregnant again I will not buy another pregnancy journal. I will use these two, adding the new entries beside the old. These two books will become more than mere journals; they will map out the history of our quest…
At this point after having been actively and aggressively going for a pregnancy for a year and a half, my husband and I returned to my OB/GYN for direction and advice. In addition to speaking with my doctor I also obtained two ‘second opinions’. I have been assured that having become pregnant twice in the space of six months, I would become pregnant once again and not one medical expert predicted anything less than my carrying a pregnancy to term. The general consensus was one which held the line that if I had not become pregnant again by my January cycle that I’d begin fertility therapy, starting off with Clomed.
I returned home to perform my own research online. I ‘spoke’ with various other women sharing identical situations; women near 40 trying to have children. I read dozens of medical papers written on the subject and went over hundreds of case studies. I phoned and consulted with three fertility clinics.
What I have learned has led me to the Women’s Institute for Fertility, Endocrinology and Menopause here in my city. We do not wish to wait any longer to find what is going on inside of my body whether is it average or abnormal. In our case we’d simply like to have answers.
Though fertility doesn’t seem to be an issue for me at this point there certainly are a myriad of issues that can hinder the process of bringing a child into this world. Women in my age group may face a bundle of issues that though are easily adjustable can indeed ‘hold things up’.
The next post will begin my journey into the world of the fertility clinic.
The First Appointment December 6th, 2:15 P.M.
– Anticipation of Information (part one)
On this day my husband and I are feeling well. We discuss our individual overall ‘feelings’ about the appointment in the morning after we come awake. I am delightfully surprised that like myself he is excited about the appointment. We are frustrated and impatient as of late and simply the thought of the act of ‘doing something’ brings comfort- chases away the sensation of hands tied…
We enter this new segment of our journey along the path to becoming parents more so to troubleshoot than to resolve roadblocks. In fact, if roadblocks exist we are blissfully unaware at this point. As we near 815 Locust Street my husband tells me that he is previously acquainted with the address; this is the place he came to in the early spring when he had his sperm count tested. At that time, the time of his sperm count, we’d been trying for a pregnancy for nearly a year. Our Ob/Gyn had sent my husband to the WIREM for the test.
About two months after his sperm count revealed that he had what it took to proceed with the deed, I became pregnant… Our first sonogram appointment was one of poignant anticipation; to see the life we had created together growing inside my womb was a moment I shall never release as most precious to me. My husband bent over a dozen times, kissing my forehead whispering as if he sat in orchestra seats at the opera:
…I can’t believe I’m looking at our baby… I can’t believe that is our little baby growing there…
Our first sonogram revealed a normally developing embryo; proper size and no visual evidence of any abnormalities. We left the appointment in spirits that only those who’ve experienced such an event can relate to.
On the day of our second sonogram I felt inwardly calm. I had this feeling. I can speak of this feeling easily in retrospect as it is safe now. But that morning as my husband, my daughter and I went into the sonogram room and I crawled up onto the bed and lay down the feeling grew.
There are some women who are sensitive. To life, to people, to situations and to the mere hint of a dust mote stirring. I am one of those women. It is odd to type out this entry- to write about something that once shook me so badly that fear crept in- something that is now a part of my past… And yet as the three of us pushed our eyes to the green and black monitor I was not surprised that our baby had no heartbeat. My daughter’s face went completely white- something I will never forget. Even before the sadness and grief set in I kicked myself for bringing her along. Soon the tears came from each of us… A period of deep grieving for my husband and I followed. Perhaps if we’d not been trying for so many months the situation would have held a little less weight. Perhaps not.
After my D & E procedure I was told that my body would adjust back into a regular cycle within 6-8 weeks. I began once again enjoying for a time a glass of wine with dinner. I ate tons of Feta and Brie. I chowed down a few bottom dwellers. I took the time to organize all the tiny bits of baby clothing I’d purchased over a period of months. I put together piles of 0-3 month clothing, 3-6 month clothing and 6-9 month clothing. Another pile of accessories…
While folding a tiny Misfits onesie I’d bought in a Hot Topic store, I cried. As I ‘put back’ my pregnancy journal, I cried. At times in the shower as my nausea faded, I cried. I cried for all of the reasons a woman cries after she’s miscarried. Plus I cried a bit more for my husband.
Eventually the tears necessary to earn back my emotional clarity were spent; price paid in full. My cycles became regular again…
And then in October I was late!
Tested positive again!
Yet we had only a few days to feel the joy of becoming pregnant again; I was late, no longer pregnant. Pregnant for a few days like many women become- yet if they aren’t trying to become pregnant they never think they might have been- if only for a tiny while…
After five days of keeping a new pregnancy journal by a different publisher once again bought at a Barnes and Noble I again ‘put back’ the book. When I do become pregnant again I will not buy another pregnancy journal. I will use these two, adding the new entries beside the old. These two books will become more than mere journals; they will map out the history of our quest…
At this point after having been actively and aggressively going for a pregnancy for a year and a half, my husband and I returned to my OB/GYN for direction and advice. In addition to speaking with my doctor I also obtained two ‘second opinions’. I have been assured that having become pregnant twice in the space of six months, I would become pregnant once again and not one medical expert predicted anything less than my carrying a pregnancy to term. The general consensus was one which held the line that if I had not become pregnant again by my January cycle that I’d begin fertility therapy, starting off with Clomed.
I returned home to perform my own research online. I ‘spoke’ with various other women sharing identical situations; women near 40 trying to have children. I read dozens of medical papers written on the subject and went over hundreds of case studies. I phoned and consulted with three fertility clinics.
What I have learned has led me to the Women’s Institute for Fertility, Endocrinology and Menopause here in my city. We do not wish to wait any longer to find what is going on inside of my body whether is it average or abnormal. In our case we’d simply like to have answers.
Though fertility doesn’t seem to be an issue for me at this point there certainly are a myriad of issues that can hinder the process of bringing a child into this world. Women in my age group may face a bundle of issues that though are easily adjustable can indeed ‘hold things up’.
The next post will begin my journey into the world of the fertility clinic.
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